Effective Parenting

Below are some of my thoughts about parenting. They stem from issues I came up against raising a child. In my own experience, the quality of my parenting was enhanced only when I took the time to reflect on where I was at emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. Once I began to work through my ‘issues’ – all 32 years’ worth of them – I started to become what I considered to be an ‘effective’ parent.

I define an ‘effective’ parent as someone who:

• Makes the distinction between their childhood issues and their children’s issues. It is my belief that some parents visit their issues on their children. For example, if they, as children, had a difficult relationship with food, they may unwittingly pass their concerns on to their children. Or if they grew up being told that money was hard to come by, they will pass their beliefs about money on to their offspring.

• Manages their anger. We can all remember the fear we felt when we were being told off. The skill in being a parent (and a human being) is to be able to manage that anger. Not every perceived transgression needs to be met with an angry response. If we fall into this trap we run 2 risks; that our children become immune to our outbursts and anger has no currency; or our children hide things from us and when they’re in trouble, they’re too afraid to tell us because all hell will break loose.

• Teaches by example. We are our children’s first teachers and whatever we do they will do. What does that mean? They become the people they see around them – for better or worse. They are looking to us to show them the way. There is no point telling our children not to smoke/drink/eat too many sweets if we do those very things. The ‘do as I say not as I do’ style of parenting no longer works. It’s not enough just to talk the talk; we have to walk the talk. Alternatively, depending on how angry our children are, they will do the opposite to what they saw us doing.

• Distinguishes between those aspects of their parents’ parenting that can be carried forward in their own parenting and those which may do more harm than good. Some parents end up throwing the baby out with the bath water, but some of our parents values were timeless. I’m talking about the belief that buying children lots and lots of things may be detrimental to them in the long run. I was raised in the 70s and my parents did not indulge me with all the latest games and toys. It made no sense to do this. For some parents this attitude has been reversed and they believe that they were somehow deprived. To ensure their children are not so deprived they give their children every gadget and toy going. Such gift giving can also be motivated by the fact that they and their partners spend more time working than with their children and so giving gifts somehow compensates for their absence.

• Says ‘no’. Sometimes saying no can be tough: we don’t want to upset or disappoint our children, but what happens when, after years of hearing ‘yes’, our 13 year old hormonal son/daughter gets a ‘no’? Whether we like it or not, we set a precedent by saying yes and your child will, quite understandably, baulk at that. Practise saying no to your child and teach them to accept no. There are times when it will be appropriate to explain why you are saying no and times when children need to trust that our no means no and that no explanation is required.

• Trusts their instincts as opposed to the latest parenting fashion. And by the same token resist peer pressure from other parents. Is it OK for your child to have a Facebook profile just because your friends have allowed their children to have one?

• Makes the distinction between being a parent (the adult) and being a friend. Some parents want so much to be ‘friends’ with their children that they forget that sometimes they need to parent their children.

• Guides their children and encourage them to think for. For example, to me, telling your children that certain statements are ‘racist’ but leaving them ignorant as to why that might be so does not really educate them about issues around race, it’s more like rote learning: they won’t know why a statement is racist, they just know to say it’s racist. Effective parenting is about discussing an issue, giving your children possible pros and cons and encouraging them to come to their own conclusions.

• Adapts to every phase in their child’s life. For example, when a child first learns to speak, we teach them to say please and thank you – social skills. As they grow, we expand their repertoire in terms of communicating with people they come into contact with. The older they get the more sophisticated their communication becomes.

• Realises that their children learn at their own pace and avoid comparisons with other people’s children. Young people are very sensitive and it is important to accept them for who they are, rather than express your desire to be more like the young man or woman who you meet at the bus stop every morning. The more we go on about what our children lack, the longer it will take for them to gain the skills and competences that we so wish they had. Effective parents don’t resist who their children are.

• Encourages their children to express how they feel. Children must be given permission to express their feelings when they’re feeling low. And not in a nagging way. Children don’t open up to parents who harangue them into spilling the guts. Sometimes they need to know that you are there, ready to listen when they feel able to share what’s on their mind. I have found that when this has been the case, a reassuring hug and the promise that you are there for them when they are ready to open up can give a child the comfort they need at that moment in time.

• Prepares their children for adulthood. I use the maths analogy when considering this point. When a child has learned its 2 times tables, you move on to the 3 times table, and when it’s ready, you do the fours, and when it’s ready. The 5s and so on. In the same way, you train your child when it’s ready in moving into the next phase of life and the next until they are ready to take responsibility as an adult.

• Laughs with their children. Often the stress of everyday life is all-consuming and we forget to laugh. Being a good parent means, to me at least, having fun and laughing with your child.

• Has a repertoire of conversation starters. I’ve used humour to broach difficult conversations with my daughter. Humour takes the heaviness out of an issue and allows the child to be honest with him/herself and you about what is on their mind, or their reasons for taking a certain course of action. This is not to say you make light of the issue; once you’ve used humour to address a difficult topic, you resume a more measured tone that reflects the seriousness of an issue. Another example is when you need to say turn down a request your child makes. Sometimes parents say no in a heavy handed way, which can be needlessly upsetting. It’s possible to say no and convey your own disappointment at having to say no. Just be mindful that if you’re not being authentic, your child will pick this up immediately.

• Instil confidence, self-respect and self-love in their children. It really helps if you are confident, respect and love yourself. Once your children see you as confident, they will learn this from you. If you are concerned that perhaps they’re lacking in confidence, then this is something you can talk about.

And finally, being an effective parent is about:

• Accepting that your children need to learn from their own mistakes – as painful as that may be.

These are just my views. Yours may well differ. We all have our theories and none of us know for sure how things will turn out with our children.

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