Authoritarian Parenting
The oldest and most widely-used approach for raising children has been Authoritarian Parenting. Parents assume the majority of responsibilities to control their children from birth to adulthood until their children are able to become independent. With this method, parents take charge by using their power and authority to punish their children in order to teach them what to do. The parents decide what the consequences should be for breaking the rules. Children show respect for their parents by obeying them.
Authoritarian parenting works best when the goal is for children to learn to be able to follow orders and to conform to pre-existing standards. Creativity is either not encouraged, or is narrowly confined. Children are taught to be obedient and to not talk back to their elders. Most children become outer-directed, meaning that they look to people outside themselves to decide what to think and how to act.
The most serious problem with authoritarian parenting is that feelings are not addressed. Also, it is a fear based approach. If the child doesn’t obey, they fear the consequences, which often having nothing to do with what the child actually did or with logic. Without addressing the emotional states of the individuals involved power struggles are inevitable. If the goal is to achieve psychologically well adjusted children who are responsible and actualizing their potential the authoritarian method has become the least desirable choice as a parenting style.
Permissive Parenting
Permissive parenting is where children are not provided with adequate teaching and direction. Children are permitted to do what they want to do when they want to.
Children inevitably fill the void by assuming control over their parents; they tell them how to think and act. When children don’t get their way, they pout, scream, yell, whine, become passive/aggressive, promise and don’t deliver on what would be their fair share of keeping the family together. Their parents don’t know what else to do in the face of these obnoxious behaviors, and give in. These families do not have stable routines, structure, predictability and boundaries.
The Oscillating Parent
Most permissive parents vacillate between permissive and authoritarian approaches. All too often, well-intentioned permissive parents get fed up that their child has not acted responsibly, and go ballistic in an authoritarian outburst. After they have laid down the law, accompanied by tears and bad feel¬ings, the child complies. But it doesn’t take long for the permissive routine to take over. This lack of consistency is especially difficult because children do not know what to expect from their parents. Permissive parents do not provide adequate structure, because they feel uncomfortable being the “boss.” The explosion confirms how uncomfortable it feels to be authoritarian, so they go back to being permissive until they can’t stand it any more and the oscillating cycle begins again.
Breakthrough Parenting
Breakthrough parenting is neither permissive nor authoritarian. This is a way to move away from struggle into cooperation. This method differs from the oth¬ers in that the responsibility for solving problems is shared between parent and child. The parent uses discipline to teach the child responsible ways of thinking and acting. Children are expected to participate in setting rules that they agree to follow. Children are free to express their opinion and their parents respectfully listen to them. Communication is very different from commands and questions. Instead, parent and child speak to each other with statement sentences which are designed to share the power and to promote problem solving. The goal is a win/win way of resolving conflict. Punishment is avoided. There is no spanking, or other corporal punishment, no chastisement or other kinds of emotional punishment. Instead, the focus is not on creating more drama, but in solving problems logically. In order to be a successful breakthrough parent, parents need to learn a different set skills, such as: Win/win conflict resolution; Effective communication skills; Use of the principle of participation to get agreement.
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