I am reminded once again, at this blessed time of year, how drastically the dynamics of the household change when children are home from school for an extended period of time! Each morning, I begin my day with rituals that include prayer, affirmations, ‘visioneering’, etc. Much of this mental/emotional/spiritual preparation revolves around my mothering skills… or lack thereof! It’s an ongoing process, for sure!
In recent days, I’ve also returned to some of my favorite parenting books for guidance and support. My most well read and tattered pages come from a much loved assortment of natural parenting and attachment parenting selections. Just thought I’d share some of the highlights here… like me, some of you may need a little extra help these days!
One of the key components of attachment parenting is the intent to build a deep bond between parent and child that will create an atmosphere of love and unyielding trust. Most will agree in any situation that creating an atmosphere of trust would not involve hitting or physical coercion. This applies to the parent/child relationship as well, if not more so. A parent that seeks a loving attachment to his or her child should always seek to parent peacefully and consensually and this is the goal of attachment style parenting.
In decades past, spanking as a method of discipline was accepted and encouraged and when anger flares up as it has the tendency to do on occasion, spanking often becomes the quickest and easiest way to handle a situation. (I still have many friends who are more ‘experienced’ parents who insist that I really should spank the kids once they ‘cross the line’ and demonstrate “disrespect and disobedience”.) However, any benefit that can be had by spanking is a short term solution and the long term lessons we teach by spanking can be hard to counteract at the end of the day. Hitting models hitting, it devalues the parent and the child, it promotes anger, and it just doesn’t work long term. It is important to build upon your repertoire of positive parenting skills and tools.
Easier said than done many times, I know!
Redirect
Redirecting is a technique often used by creative parents to direct energy or urges into useful activities. If your younger child is reaching for something inappropriate or something that may cause injury you can remove the inappropriate item and redirect their attention elsewhere. This can be done with an age appropriate toy, a game, a song…something that distracts them from the unwanted behavior or item and channels their urges into a more positive direction. This practice goes hand in hand with the practice of removing temptation in the first place. If you have a lovely glass figurine that you do not want your child to touch, do not leave it in a place that is accessible to them. Attached parents anticipate their children’s actions and are proactive in avoiding conflicts in the first place.
My husband thinks I’m completely ‘anal’ for trying so hard to prevent problems before they even develop… he says I’m “intending” the problem! I say, “YOU need to spend many, many days in a row with your children, THEN tell me how much easier it is just to pay attention and do whatever you can to avoid the problem in the first place… mister!!!”
Seriously though, I know exactly what these experts mean by anticipating problems – I can definitely say that when I’m truly paying attention to my kids, I can see trouble brewing a mile away and then it’s SO much easier to nip it in the bud. Now I just wish someone would pay close attention to me and redirect ME before I get all bent out of shape about things!
Talk to Your Child
This seems to be one of the most overlooked methods of discipline but yet the very word discipline means instruction or teaching and the most effective way to teach or instruct is to open dialogue between you and your child. Speak with them and decipher the reasons behind their behavior. What needs do they have that are not being met? Are feelings of frustration causing them to act out in less than desirable ways? There is no better way to get to the heart of the issue than to talk with your children and let them know they can trust you to not only listen to them but to see if there is an acceptable resolution for both of you so that everyone’s needs can be met. Even from an early age we should get used to using words (not hands) to diffuse situations and resolve conflict. Instead of punishing them for misbehaving, teach them what they can do differently in the future.
This is a biggee in our house. I’m a big supporter of giving kids the tools (skills, judgment, vocabulary, safe places, etc.) to add to their lifelong tool belt of problem solving and coping with the curve balls of life. Of course, you’ll still catch us just blurting out “NO!” from time to time, but I much prefer being proactive with the kids rather than just a nasty old dictator! After a ‘situation’ has caused stress in our home, we like to talk to the kids about the choice they made, its consequences and what might be a better choice (and why) if faced with that situation again. God, I hope this all works out for them in the future because it’s really exhausting for us to go to such lengths with these munchkins! Ha! And they sure are tired of the “choice and consequence” talk! Speaking of which…
Give Your Child Choices
Children respond well to being included in the decision making process and will be more compliant with your wishes if they have some input. If your child is hitting a sibling you might give them the choice to either remain in the room without hitting or play alone in another room. If your child is conflicted about bed time you could offer to let them decide what their pre-bedtime readiness activity will be, either reading a book or taking a bath. Children will respond better to choices than to draconian commands.
Discipline does not have to mean conflict and angst for the whole family. If we choose to look at discipline for what it really is, an opportunity to teach and instruct, there is no reason why the process cannot be peaceful and positive for all.
Some days I just need to remind myself that these are GOD’s children I’m raising… and I find that the way I choose to teach them (discipline them) on those days just feels innately right.
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