Parenting – Are You the Teacher Or the Student

Parenting – does it bring a smile to your face; does it bring up feelings of anxiety and confusion or perhaps a combination of all three?

I searched for the word "Parenting" on Amazon today; since 2006, the number of books matching "Parenting" has increased from 3581 to 101,749. A Google search on "Parenting" turned up 83.5 million matches. Is it any wonder that parents may be feeling some anxiety when it comes to raising their children? Add to these figures all of our well meaning friends and relatives that have stories and advice to offer, some good, some bad and you may end up with information overload.

There is no question that being a parent is an extraordinary blessing, one that comes with great responsibility and hopefully a whole heap of fun.

What role do we play in shaping who our children will become?

No doubt you already have a basic understanding or awareness of the benefits of eating organic food, drinking clean water, breathing fresh air, getting plenty of activity and staying away from harmful chemicals and unnecessary pharmaceutical preparations.

Is that all there is to bringing up a healthy, well-adjusted child – someone who will make a positive contribution in our society?

You may hear terms like "the terrible two's" or "moody teenagers" and the stories surrounding these challenging times and dread the thought of going through those periods with your own children. A question to ask yourself is "Does it have to be that way?" Is it perhaps our expectation of the event that actually makes it happen? If so, how can we remove our expectations of bad things and replace them with expectations of good outcomes for ourselves and our children?

So how did you become the person you are today?

Answering this question may open up some realizations about the impact you have on the person your child will become. Our lives as we lead them today are predominantly shaped by our values. Our values ​​in simple terms can be described as what is important to us. They are the foundation of our character.

In his book "The People Puzzle", Sociologist Dr Morris Massey described three major periods during which values ​​are developed. They are as follows:

1. The Imprint Period – Up to the age of seven, children are like sponges, absorbing everything around them and accepting much of it as true, especially when it comes from their parents.
2. The Modeling Period – Between the ages of eight and thirteen, children copy people, often their parents, but also other people that are important in their lives.
3. The Socialization Period – Between thirteen and twenty-one, children are very largely influenced by their peers. As they develop as individuals and look for ways to get away from the earlier programming, they naturally turn to people who seem more like them. Other influences at these ages include the media, especially those parts that seem to resonate with the values ​​of the peer group.

Think back to when you were between the ages of ten and thirteen. What was going on in the world around you? It is these things that have had a major influence on who you have become today.

In my case, my maternal grandmother died when I was eleven years old. It was only after reading this information by Dr Massey and starting my NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) training in 2004 that I looked back on this time in my life and realised how much it really had shaped who I am and the things that are important to me now.

After my grandmother died, I decided I would do research into a cure for cancer and during high school that evolved into wanting to become a doctor (specifically a brain surgeon). For a while I lost my way and forgot what was important to me. It was not until my daughter Isabella became ill and then passed away (in late 2002) that I was abruptly "shoved" back onto my path. And now, in my mid 30's, my passion is health research and I do that on the Internet rather than in a laboratory, and instead of orthodox medicine, I am a master NLP practitioner (working with the mind) and studying homeopathy. The exact details may be a little different but the intent is the same.

So as you can see, the events that happen during our formative years really do determine what is important to us and perhaps the major events that happen later on help us to get back onto our path if we've strayed off it.

What about my beliefs?

Your beliefs are convictions that you hold to be "true" in your life.

"Whether you believe you can or believe you can not – you're right either way."
Henry Ford

Depending on how much you are willing to believe is possible; your beliefs can either keep you boxed in or allow you to live a bigger life. For example if you believe that life is hard, then more than likely that is what you will be experiencing. If you believe that the universe is bountiful, then that will be how you experience the world.

What do you remember your parents saying to you as you were growing up? If you think you can not remember, stop and listen to that little voice in your head – what is it saying? "I'm not smart enough", "I can not do that", "I'm ugly" or perhaps it was "go for it", "you can do anything you set your mind to" "you are beautiful" . These comments, whether true or not, impact on our belief about the world and ourselves. Just like your parents influenced you, you are also influencing your child in the things you say and the way you behave. Your behaviour is a direct result of your beliefs and values ​​(the things that are important to you).

How can I influence my child in a positive way?

"Do not worry that children never listen to you. Worry that they are always watching you."

Robert Fulghum

Right now you might be realising how much of an impact events in the early years have on shaping who your child will become. Big events or small events, it does not really matter because as mentioned earlier, your child is soaking everything up.

More than likely you want your child to absorb all the good things they see in you and discard the things that are not so good. Do you have kind things to say about yourself, do you give thanks for the wonderful things you have in your life or do you berate yourself for not having the perfect body, or not earning enough money or whatever problem you perceive you have.

A child does not know the difference between a good comment and a bad comment, a good action or a bad action. If they see Mum or Dad doing it, then it must be OK. If they hear you saying it, then it must be true. Your children are miniature, immature adults. If you treat them with respect, that respect will be returned back to you.

6 steps to get you going

Whatever it is you want to achieve within your family, for your children and for yourself, these steps may help to get you moving in the direction of your desires:

1. Know what you want – Is it happy, healthy children, a happy family, leaving your job so you can stay at home with your children – pick something that resonates with you (not something you think you should have),
2. Take action – Read a book, attend a workshop, get a personal coach, change your job, learn a new skill – do something that will move you in the direction of your desired outcome,
3. Feedback – See what is working and what is not, adjust if necessary,
4. Have behavioural flexibility – There is always more than one way to get to where you're going – the most direct route is not necessarily the one that will work best for you,
5. Play at 100% – If you are serious about making your life different, then play full out – have a positive attitude,
6. Utilise anything and everything to your advantage – As the old saying goes, "If life hands you lemons, make lemonade".

Always remember that you do not need to have all the answers. Ask the question and the answers will come (sometimes from the strangest places). Just get started; now is the right time to change or create a great life for yourself and your children.

Look in the mirror

I sometimes wonder who the teacher is in a parent / child relationship. I look at my little niece Bianca who is four years old and I am constantly amazed at all the things she is learning. Every time I see her she has changed. Everything is fun and play for her. She takes everything seriously; with a smile and laughter. She has total faith and trust that she will be cared for and provided for, and she is; by her mother and father, her grandparents and her aunts and uncles.

What would our lives be like if we had that total faith and trust again? Perhaps our children are here to remind us to re-connect with our own inner child. Your child is a mirror for your behaviour – do you like what you see? Right there in that moment of some unwanted or undesirable behaviour, you have the opportunity to create something different. Take it as feedback enabling you to adjust your actions. As your child learns, you learn too.

Be the person you want your child to be.

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