I clearly remember as a child my mother telling me “It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it”. At that time, I didn’t really understand what she meant. And when my husband would say “Don’t talk to me in that ‘teacher’ tone of voice” I didn’t really understand what he meant either…until I started to listen to myself. Have you ever done that? Listened to how you say what you’re saying? Can be scary sometimes, especially when you sound like your parents!
How you say something is important. Our words themselves are important but the tone of voice we use makes a difference to how the other person receives our message.
One of the foundations of effective parenting is Respect. There are many ways to show respect to your child such as acknowledging their feelings, giving them choices, valuing their unique personality, and listening to what they have to say. As a parent, you expect respect from your children, and as their role-model you need to show them respect. This is how they learn.
Your tone of voice is one vital communication tool to show and model this respect.
What does this ‘tone of voice’ look like?
- It creates an environment of safety regardless of what is being said. This means that even when you are correcting, maintaining boundaries, and establishing parental authority, the child feels safe to be with you.
- This ‘tone of voice’ gives a sense of parental authority establishing who’s ultimately responsible.
- It shows consideration and thoughtfulness of the child and their own perspective of the situation – their opinions and their feelings. You are using your voice to let them know that you recognise them as a valued member of society, no matter what their age.
And how does this ‘tone of voice’ sound?
In a nutshell, it sounds low and slow. Research has shown that authority is perceived when a person uses a low tone of voice. Usually to emphasize what we’re saying, we raise our voice. This can sound like you’re asking a question as well as give an impression that you’re not in control. So, to maintain that sense of authority drop your voice down in pitch, especially at the end of your sentence.
Speak more slowly and emphasize certain words. For example, “Pack up your toys and put them in the toy box” would sound like “Pack up your toys (drop on the word ‘toys’) and put them in the toy box (drop on the words ‘them’ and ‘box’) and emphasize the words in italics.
Last of all add ‘thank you’ not ‘please’ at the end. This show respect but indicates that you expect what you’re asking to be done; you’re not requesting it.
I have used this successfully as a primary school teacher, as well as with my own family.
Why don’t you give it a go? Practice listening to yourself, changing your tone of voice, and notice the difference!
0 Response to "Parenting – It’s Not What You Say It’s How You Say It!"
Post a Comment