As a Family Coach and Mental Health Therapist, I have nothing but respect for parents and parenting. It has got be the hardest job there is especially in this overwhelming and complex world that we live in. There are so many negative influences and difficult decisions that come at you almost at the speed of light. Parents need to be mediators, experts in development, and futurists to manage the constant flow of information coming their way, make developmentally appropriate decisions that may impact the rest of their child's life and, be able to peer into the crystal ball to get a sense of what the future holds for their sons and daughters in this fast changing unpredictable world. These challenges come in the midst of being tired from working, having a difficult time finding adequate quality time to spend with their kids, and being stressed by a world that seems to often be on the brink of disaster. Oh, and their children are constantly expecting, no, demanding, that they give them their immediate attention and fix their problems with a wave of your magic wand. One parent stated that "it is a lot of pressure when this is your only shot to nurture and grow this other human being" That truly is a lot of pressure.
So often when I work with parents I hear them being hard on themselves when there is a problem with one of their children. They are sure that if only they had done something differently the problem would not exist. They feel guilty, imagine all of the horrible things that might happen because of their "mistakes", and have a stereo connection to the critic in their heads that will not give them any peace. Even if you've made a "mistake" it does not mean that the end of the world has come. As one parent stated, "mistakes are what make us better". Learning, or remembering, a few simple strategies can make this journey a lot easier for both parent and child.
Often parents forget that, as human beings, we all make mistakes and very often we bring into our relationships what we learned as children from our own parents who were doing the very the best that they could. A starting place for me when working with families is to help move them from judgment to compassion. In this article I would
like to suggest 3 ways you can move from judgment to compassion and deepen your connection with your child
First, remember that compassion is what connects us as all as human beings. We all have suffering, we all have shortcomings and we all make mistakes. Knowing this, we can connect at a heart level with others in our lives who have also made mistakes rather than judging or being critical of our sometimes less than skillful attempts to raise these human beings that we have brought into the world. Feeling inadequate in the face of the stresses that you face you can touch your heart and connect with your humanness.
Second, remember the same is true with our children. Children, especially teens, try on many personas as they try to figure out who they are, separate from parents and become independent. Beneath their unskilled attempts to accomplish these tasks are feelings of insecurity, anxiety, and frustration. Like you, they are learning on the job and need adults in their lives to be mirrors for their behaviors and thinking while providing unconditional positive regard for them as human beings during this difficult time. We may not always like their choices of behavior but we can always love who they are and the magic of their unfolding.
Lastly, create an intention for how you'd like your relationships to be. For example, you may want your relationship with your teen to be loving and trusting, or, open and mutual. Create an image in your minds eye of what that looks like and hold that image while putting your hand on your chest and breathing into your heart. Let the image and the feeling in your heart merge and sense what it feels like. Practice this frequently and, when you anticipate having a difficult time with your teen, touch your heart, and remember the feeling and your intention as you engage with them.
Remembering that compassion connects us all as human beings and that we can create and intention for how we want our relationships to be can provide a guiding light when times are challenging. Being compassionate with yourself and connecting with your children by understanding the struggles that go on beneath the behavior they display deepens your connection with them as human beings. Using the compassion of your heart center rather than your judgments when interacting with your children will send a message of caring, understanding and unconditional regard. I read a quote recently that said "Stop trying to perfect your child, but keep trying to perfect your relationship with them". Seems like good advice!
0 Response to "Three Ways to Build Compassion and Strengthen Your Parenting Skills"
Post a Comment