I remember growing up my parents quite often said “because I said so.” This would usually happen when they said “no” and I then wanted an explanation.
I actually caught myself a few times saying “because I said so” to my own kids. I finally realized my kids actually deserved to understand my decision and could benefit from understanding my decision.
Children learn their life skills as children. They don’t magically develop life skills when they turn eighteen.
I’d like to share why I believe saying “because I said so” is not helpful to your children.
Life is about the choices we make. For example, I tend to eat a healthy breakfast. I know other people who grab a chocolate donut on their way out the door.
If your child asks for a chocolate donut for breakfast and you just say no, then how does your child learn what you view as the negative consequences? Eating a donut puts sugar in your body, extra calories in your body and there is not a lot of nutrition in a donut. Explaining why this is not a good choice first thing in the morning helps your child make that same choice as an adult. They now understand the reasons behind the decision. In addition, on the rare occasion you say yes, they understand the change in answers. Had you just said “no, because I said so” they wouldn’t understand on the occasion you said yes.
Have you ever stayed up too late and not gotten enough sleep? You know there are several consequences the next day. In the morning it’s hard to wake up. You’re not at full speed the next day and often you crash and burn within a day or two.
When your child asks to go out on a school night, instead of just saying “it’s a school night you can’t go,” why not offer them a few reasons instead? They might argue with those reasons, but at least you’ve helped them understand why you made the choice. At some point your student will stay up late on a school night and you’ll be able to say “remember when you and I spoke about this being a natural consequence of staying up too late and not getting enough sleep?”
Another example is the clothes we wear. If we wear too little, we might get cold and if we wear too much we might be way too warm. If we wear something super tight, we might not look good. If we wear something too loose, we might look a bit frumpy. When we let kids choose what to wear, they too get the opportunity to experience these same consequences.
By offering an explanation of your decision to your kids you are helping to teach them about choices and consequences and helping them learn to make future choices themselves.
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