Parental Control;
When giving advice for parents, I would say there is a difference between boundaries and control. As a parent you have to have boundaries for your child. But what you must accept if your influence has diminished with your child is that the more controlled your kids feel, the more they are going to fight you. This is not because they are evil, it is a natural impetus of maturing. It simply isn’t in the human condition to feel powerless or manipulated and not resist. Relinquish the control aspect of your parenting immediately. Introduce freedom with consequences.
Get your mind in gear with this idea and give your kid a speech along the lines of this.
You are free to go to your friends house and wear that gothic outfit if you wish and I will empower you to take more control of your own life. You will not however endanger your life or anyone else’s or I will intervene. You are now responsible for all your actions and consequences, be that at school or with the law. You are on your on with any trouble you get into. I love you so much, and there are a lot of things you do that I can not accept right now, but you are my child and I will always accept you. You want responsibility for your own actions, and your own life and I understand that now. And maybe I should not have tried to keep you under so much control as I have.
I am going to give you your freedom now. There will still be some boundaries so that I can assure your safety. We wont fight about these boundaries, we will just do them. I want you to make me proud of you. I’m sure you will make some mistakes, and if you do, the consequences will fall on your shoulders, not mine. I’m not doing this because I’m giving up on you, I’m doing this because I love you so much that I want you to have the freedom I know you need.
As a parent if that idea makes your skin crawl, then maybe you should re evaluate how well the idea of total control has been working for you. The bottom line is that parents learn best how to parent after their kids are all grown up. And part of that lesson most all parents learn in the grandparent phase is that trying to control a child is only counter productive. Some kids will smoke a little pot. Some kids will wear the craziest clothes that we parents just cant stand. Some kids have friends that we parents don’t even want to be seen with.
You have to let go of the idea of what you thought your child would be, of who you thought they would be. BIG SURPRISE … they have their own personality and it has nothing to do with your genetics or how your parents raised you. Let them experiment with who they are with their music, their clothes and even their friends. If you don’t, then you are going to have an 18 year old who hasn’t sorted these things out yet, and now has a huge attitude towards any authority figures, and maybe rightly so.
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