While the authoritarian parenting style seems to produce obedient and compliant children, it has often come under scrutiny for its rigid rules and inability to foster individuality and self-esteem. Proponents of unconditional parenting argue that children raised in authoritarian homes suffer from fear and insecurity because the basic needs of love and acceptance are not fulfilled.
While both sides may have valid points that should be considered, a true evaluation cannot be made without comparing the two styles and determining which elements contribute to a positive outcome on social behavior and development.
The authoritarian parenting style is based on a rigid set of rules and expectations as well as very clear definitions of right and wrong. Conformity to the accepted norm is encouraged and punishment is used to discourage misbehavior. These children are often obedient, do not engage in socially deviant actions, and are very respectful toward authority. However, since mature, adult behavior is the goal, ideas are often forced on them before they are ready, resulting in fear and insecurity.
The unconditional parenting style, also known as unconditional positive regard, states that a parent should show unconditional love no matter how a child behaves, what they say, or what they achieve. It is important to realize that there is a very distinct difference between loving your children unconditionally and actually ‘showing’ this love and acceptance. In other words, this style is not about attitude but rather focuses on how parents ‘relate’ to their children and the way they choose to ‘react’ in certain situations. While punishment is not the first option for behavior control, consequences are not ignored. The idea is that children do not need parental discipline to learn that their actions will lead to results. For example, if a child is unkind to a friend, the consequence may be that they are not invited to the next party. Or, if a toy is thrown and broken, the natural result is that it can no longer be played with.
To compare these two styles, it is necessary to examine four important elements of parenting: needs, affection and acceptance, support, and discipline techniques.
1. Needs. All children have needs, and misbehavior is usually a result of an unmet need. In other words, misbehavior is only a symptom and it is a parent’s job to define the reason for the behavior rather than focusing on the resulting actions. If a parent can determine the need and then meet it with love, the behavior will change.
The unconditional parenting style recognizes individuality and realizes that each child is different. Children are permitted to grow and mature at their own rate, and giving a child what they need is favored over punishment.
Authoritarian parents do not focus on needs but rather on maturity and responsibility. The goal is to achieve independence and to reach milestones at the socially acceptable time. Expectations overrule needs and desires, and conforming to socially acceptable norms is a priority.
2. Affection and acceptance. Unconditional positive regard states that a parent should show affection unconditionally, and love or acceptance should not be measured in terms of accomplishments or behavior. Supporters of this theory argue that when affection is given only for good behavior, children begin to think that they have to earn their parents’ love, causing them to either change who they are in an attempt to please or feel insecure because they believe their failures make them less valuable. Conditional affection robs children of their gifts and potential and does not give them permission to be creative or try new things because they are afraid to fail.
Authoritarian parenting is based on rewards and punishment rather than love and acceptance. Affection is given according to behavior and shown when expectations are reached. Since submissive behavior and conformity is encouraged, creativity is stifled and the fear of not meeting the high standards prevents children from pursuing anything new or different.
3. Support. Proponents of the unconditional parenting style believe that children need support rather than praise. They state that praise is actually a control technique and is usually given only when a child behaves in a certain or expected way. Support, on the other hand, is not based on reward but is constant, regardless of actions or results. Unconditional support provides security and gives children confidence to think creatively, explore their options, and pursue their desires.
Contrarily, authoritarian parenting is based on rigid ideas of how things are supposed to be, so children are rarely allowed to make choices and find it difficult to think independently. They are told how to behave and there is very little focus on who they are as a person and little regard given to individual interests. Individuality and independence are not encouraged and children receive parental support only when they are behaving according to expectations. In other words, these children behave to get praise, but do not receive unconditional support.
4. Discipline strategies. From a parenting style point of view, this is based on the idea of whether you work ‘with’ your children or ‘do to’ your children. Unconditional parenting will find out what the child needs and work with them rather than against them, and will not ignore the need because it does not conform to the accepted norm. Authoritarian parenting is based on external forces, and behavior is a result of rewards or punishment. Threats and bribes teach children that they need to behave in a certain way to attain approval, but this only encourages temporary obedience or compliance out of fear. Unconditional parenting does not focus on external punishment but actually works with the child as an individual to meet their needs and achieve positive results. Motives for obedience are not the need for support or acceptance, or the fear of punishment, but children will exhibit good behavior simply because they want to and understand the reasoning behind requests.
There are many who argue that the authoritarian parenting style is too strict and limits a child’s ability to grow into a happy, secure adult. On the other hand, or unconditional positive regard, allows for the acceptance of individuality and gives a child permission to explore their own interests and desires or to develop their own personality without fear of losing parental love, acceptance, affection, or support.
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