Mark Twain once said, "If we are supposed to talk more than we listen, we would have two mouths and one ear." Humans were not created that way though. Most humans have two eyes, two ears, and one mouth. That means we should be watching and listening twice as much as we talk. Silence at the opportune time allows opportunity for critical utterances to be heard and listened to.
Hearing is only part of what listening actually is. Merely hearing something robs you of truth and understanding. Though the same member of the body makes use of both words, the ears, the difference in the two words lies in the definitions of listening and hearing. Hearing is defined as perceiving sound "passively." Listening is defined as "actively" computing auditory information for the purpose of understanding and utilizing the information. The difference is in the "passiveness" involved in hearing, and the intense mental "activity" involved with listening. Listening is active. Hearing is letting the sound in one ear and right out the other without ever taking into consideration what was actually said.
As humans, we sometimes only "hear" things that do not strike a chord with our superficial wants. Those things that are not "meant for us," we deem as trash and let float past our ears. The sad part is that all information is beneficial, and it is most often the case that the exact information you need in a difficult situation is the exact information you disregarded at an earlier time. Many parents make this mistake and end up losing their children's trust and respect. Do not make this same mistake. The number one complaint of many kids is that no one listens to or understands them. Are they right?
Many parents only hear their kids, and they miss out on the opportune times to listen to their children's critical utterances.
Below are six of the most common barriers to effective listening. I have defined a barrier as anything that impedes success or blocks the way of progress. Utilizing the lessons learned in this chapter will improve your ability to talk to your son.
Six Barriers to Effective Listening
1. One barrier many can not seem to overcome is the urge to read the mind of the person who they are speaking with. These are people who try to guess what the other person is going to say next … This type of person usually ends up with his or her own interpretation of the conversation. This only hurts you as the parent. You never get the true story. You only get what you wanted to hear and not what the child intended to say. As an effective listener, you will have to compel yourself not to finish a speaker's sentences.
2. The second barrier that holds many people back is that they attempt to plan a rebuttal the entire time the other party is speaking. Have you ever gotten into a verbal dispute with someone, but instead of listening to the other person, you spent your time thinking of how you will refute his or her points? Parents, this is why kids say that no one is listening to them. When they attempt to explain themselves to their parents, all they get in return is defensive rebuttals. After a few years of this treatment, any child will adopt the silent role. Hold back your rebuttals if at all possible.
3. The third barrier occurs when people treat every conversation as a debate that they must win. These people love to argue over everything. This "chronic-debater personality" will argue over whether to call a carbonated drink a soda, pop, coke, or soda pop. This person considers every conversation as a debate. He or she might make an excellent lawyer or political figure, but they do a crappy job as a parent. Most kids do not like to argue or fight with their parents whether you believe me or not. When you as a parent make every conversation a debate on whose beliefs are right or wrong, the child builds up resentment against you. You will never be an effective listener if you can not learn to put your beliefs and values to the side while the other person speaks.
4. The fourth barrier believing that you are always right, have all the answers, and are smarter than the person talking to you. If you let this barrier run your life, you will never be a good listener. Age, accreditation, occupation, education, or any other proviso that you may have over the other person does not mean you are any better than they are. You will fail as a listener every time you assume that you know it all or know more than the person you are talking to. Learn to understand and accept everyone's legally moral beliefs and you will become a more effective listener.
5. The fifth barrier that blocks effective listening comes by asking too many questions at the wrong times in the conversation. Questions are excellent for conversation, but an unprepared and ill-timed question will only confuse the speaker and interrupt their train of thought. People who interrupt a speaker with an out of place question at the wrong time are poor listeners.
6. The sixth barrier is that many would be listeners simply fail to understand what the speaker is trying to say. This may not be your fault at all, but it is detrimental for you as a listener. Remember, most people hate to repeat themselves and will consciously avoid people who they have to repeat themselves with continually. Do your best to quickly understand what your son is saying so he does not get fed up with you. If he is speaking too fast, ask him to slow down. Slang can be ambiguous and confusing. Ask for clarification. Ask him to repeat himself if he has lost you, but be sure to understand what is going on in the conversation.
Part 2 of this article, "Six Tips For Effective Listening" is available as well.
I imagine that this may sound like a lot of work, and it is certainly more work than the average person puts into a conversation, but the average parent produces an average kid.
Remember: The number one complaint of most children is that no one listens to them or understands them.
Barriers to Effective Listening
1. Trying to be a mind reader while the other person is talking
2. Planning your rebuttal while the other person is talking
3. Attempting to turn every conversation into a debate
4. Believing that you are always right
5. Asking too many questions at the wrong times
6. Failure to understand what the speaker said
Tips for Effective Listening
1. Paraphrase what was said to you in order to understand what was said
2. Remain open-minded at all times
3. Hold your insights and hold your tongue until the person is done talking
4. Study the body language of the individual while they are speaking
5. Place yourself in the other person's shoes
6. Less talking is usually more
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