Do you remember playing a game at school where there were two teams and a line? Cross over the line and you were in another team’s territory with the likelihood of being put in ‘jail’ as a consequence for crossing over. Remember the excitement of placing your toe just over the boundary line, taunting the opposing team to tag you?
Children do this with the boundaries parents put in place. Parents give the boundaries, children try to see how far they can go over those boundaries. Children think it’s fun, parent don’t but this is how the child learns about natural and society-made limits.
Boundaries have a purpose. Some have a safety purpose, some a health purpose, some a moral purpose, some a family-value purpose, some a cultural purpose, and so on. They exist to establish a framework of order and structure within which it is safe to learn and grow.
Responsible parenting requires you to create clearly defined boundaries that have a definite purpose. You need to know that purpose so that when your child tries to step over the line or even push it to another place, you can confidently and with authority maintain it.
For example, say the family has a value statement that says ‘We are careful what we listen to and watch.’ 7 year old Lisa has come home and wants to watch a program on TV that her friends have talked about. It contains sexual references and violence. If the boundary has been clearly explained to Lisa as she grows up, even though she may ‘toe-test’ the boundary, she won’t be surprised when you say ‘No, that’s not OK for you to watch’. She may be cross, she may be frustrated but she won’t be surprised! And you will stick firmly to your decision because you know it upholds your family value statement.
However, there are times when the boundary lines need to be re-assigned to a new place. What was appropriate when Lisa was 3 years may not be so when she is 6 years. Children will respect the boundaries even if they don’t wholeheartedly agree with them (especially as teenagers) if they know they have a definite purpose. As your child grows, some boundaries may be negotiable. Some will definitely not be. You need to know which is which.
Involve older children in the making of the boundaries. As a parent with responsibility for your child, you have the final authoritative word but respecting the child’s opinion and feelings teaches him/her the skills to communicate and negotiate. This is especially relevant for teenagers.
If you feel like your family lacks framework, have a look at your boundaries. Are they clearly known? Are they relevant? Are they age appropriate? Do you feel confident maintaining them regardless of your child’s reactions?
And don’t worry about the toe-taunting – it’s just part of growing up!
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