Parenting – Guilt is an Emotion Parents Are Familiar With But Do not Know What to Do About

Better informed than ever before, parents have tremendous responsibility. They are trying their best to take care of their kids, their jobs, and their relationships. Since completing to-do lists is virtually impossible, guilt inevitably trickles down the spine of most conscientious parents and is an emotion most mothers and fathers are intimately familiar with.

Parents feel guilty for all sorts of reasons. It crops up when children need attention but there's work to do. Before birth, day dreams about babies are wonderful. However, the demands of late night and early morning feedings are exhausting, and parents feel guilty about being stressed out and overwhelmed.

Parents also worry when their kids are not doing well. "What am I doing wrong," they ask themselves. Or if they see that their own problems, divorce or illness for example, are affecting their sons and daughters, parents often blame themselves but feel unsure about what else to do. Moms and dads want things to go well for their kids. On any given day, though, the pressures of modern life influence whether parents effectively respond or over-react to the daily demands of child-rearing.

After a long day at work or a day with the kids, parents are tired. Some days they're just not up for an argument and they snap at their unsuspecting little ones. The unrelenting routines of everyday life can feel discouraging. So despite good intentions, some days end in chaos. This is parenthood!

On these days, parents are inclined to judge themselves harshly. But unforgiving self-talk drains energy lowers self-esteem, causes depression, anxiety or any number of unexplained ailments.

Find a New Perspective

People tend to think that they would not feel so bad inside if they had a more traditional two parent family, a better job, or more money. They believe there are other parents who do not suffer with bouts of guilt or doubt. In reality, there's no escaping painful feelings. Individual circumstances vary, but troubling times and disturbing emotions are an inextricable part of the parenting journey. Emotions, even negative ones, are not character flaws or signs of weakness, they're signs of life.

If guilt and self-doubt are unavoidable, what's a parent to do? Exploring the emotional tone of one's own childhood is a good place to start. Ignoring or minimizing hurtful memories will not make them go away. Buried feelings leave parents susceptible to turning on themselves or on their children – no matter how many times they've promised themselves otherwise.

Mothers and fathers who grew up in a guilt-ridden environment are prone to feel guilty as adults. They learned to feel guilty at an early age and this self-concept continues, unless it's confronted. Plus, parents with this kind of background are more likely to use guilt on their children to get what they want from them. "You should feel ashamed of yourself" is a common parental reprimand, but one that cuts deeply into a child's self-worth.

Regardless of its source, guilt is part of life and part of parenting. When it's unending and debilitating, professional counsel is beneficial. But it is normal and actually helpful for parents to feel bad when they make a mistake (and mistakes are inevitable). "This feels terrible; I do not want to do that again."

Painful experiences are important opportunities to ask "Why did this happen? What am I feeling? What do I need to do next?" This approach offers hope for meaningful change, instead of continuing a never-ending cycle of blame or self-criticism.

Kindness and generosity are a cinch when life is skipping along at a steady pace. Forgiving flaws and rethinking poor judgment takes maturity and compassion. Parents who demonstrate these qualities are helping their children to learn them.

Love and forgiveness are powerful and effective antidotes when parental shortcomings interfere with family life. Parents may not always find their higher self. But when they do, the whole family benefits.

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